Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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