I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize