I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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