I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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