i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
