He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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