Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
