Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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