just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
