Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
