I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
