you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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