The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
