i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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