Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize