Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
