New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
