got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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