I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
and you fell through a lawn chair
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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