Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
