Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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