He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
