remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She bit a glass in half.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
