I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
