I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
