I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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