And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize