No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
