i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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