non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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