My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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