Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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