I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
