I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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