I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
