Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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