I'm going to jail i love you
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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