this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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