I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
