My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
