Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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