Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
