I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
