I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
