We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
