Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sorry about my life...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
