So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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