well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
