it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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