You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize