How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you win again, gameday.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
