so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
