why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
