if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
