my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
