Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
