yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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