What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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