we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
