At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He kissed a someone with a penis
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
