dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
